One of the most destructive things that you can do in your relationship is to try and change your man. There are myths like women know what is best for men or that men are so simple that we are easily understood. But we know you know better than that. In your heart, you try to change your man because it is easier than looking at yourself. We get that. But trying to change your man will never get what you want in your relationship.

This doesn’t mean that we are advocating that you put up with inappropriate behavior. We aren’t. We are advocating that the best way to create a change in your relationship is to focus your efforts on changing yourself rather than pressuring your partner to change.

You might ask yourself what causes you to focus on changing your man rather than changing yourself. Is it to quiet your anxiety? We mistakenly believe that if other do what we want we will be OK. In essence you are asking your partner to do for you what you will not do for yourself.

If your partner is doing something you don’t like, we encourage you to say something like, “I don’t like how you are behaving. I am going to get some space. I don’t want to be with you when you act like this. I am not leaving you I just need some space.” This last sentence is important. A lot of men fear abandonment though the Rules would never allow us to admit. A small statement like that can make all the difference for a man.

Don’t pressure your partner to change; let your partner know that you have boundaries and when they are crossed you are not going to tolerate it. Take for example a woman we knew who was upset with her husband’s drinking. She chastised him for endangering her and their daughter by driving while he was intoxicated. We were baffled by her outrage at him because she got in the car instead of taking a cab home or calling the police. When we asked her why she didn’t take better care of her self she stated she didn’t want to upset him. You see she wanted him to behave better because she wouldn’t.

What we can tell you is that when you stop pressuring your man to change, he will actually start to pressure himself to change. It is a wonderful paradox that when you do it sincerely it will help you get more of what you want from your man than you may have ever thought possible.