THE BOOK

There’s no tenure for manhood. The false promise of The Man Rules is that if you follow them closely enough, for long enough, you will soon rest easy in your identity as a man. But, the truth is, a man’s status as a man will have to constantly renewed-daily. Sometimes hourly! Think of all the opportunities he has throughout the day to mess up and have his man card revoked! (Men: For help with this exercise, see the list of The Man Rules, and ask yourself how many you’ve followed and how many you’ve broken today.) In this episode, based on the final chapter in Dan and Allen’s forthcoming book, we talk about one of the most frequent opportunities men have to feel emasculated–when someone asks them a question for which they do not have an answer.

If you’re not first, you’re last.” That’s the mantra of Ricky Bobby, a champion NASCAR driver (played by Will Ferrell) in the cinematic masterpiece, Talledega Nights. The great thing about that quote, and about the movie, is that it gently pokes fun at The Man Rule that says real men always win. And, in the process, helps us begin to see that rule in a new way–or maybe to see it for the first time if it’s been part of The Water for you most of your life. In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about The Winning Rule, a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. They break down the ways in which the Winning Rule affects relationships, and show us how we can become more conscious of The Winning Rule and recognize when it’s hijacked our reactions and behaviors.

“If it’s true that men want sex 24/7, what does it mean if he won’t have sex with me?”

“Why won’t he engage in foreplay before sex or cuddling after? There’s no affection or intimacy.”

“Why is sex only about what he wants? Doesn’t what I want matter?”

If you’re a woman who has asked yourself these questions about your man, you are certainly not alone. Why are these issues so common in relationships? And what can be done about it?

This week, Allen Berger is back to help Dan shed some light on the thing that often prevents men from experiencing real intimacy through sex–fear. Specifically, the fear of violating the man rule pertaining to sex, which frankly might also be called “the porn rule” because so much porn reinforces a very narrow perspective on what men should want, how they should behave, and how they should approach sex in general–but, we digress.

Listen for a very candid discussion of the fears and false beliefs that likely limit your man’s expression of his sexuality and find out how to work alongside him in overcoming them.

Being “cool” is ultimately about fitting in. And, unfortunately, one of the requirements of fitting in for most men–whether their definition of “cool” leans more toward the Jock table or the Dungeons ‘n Dragons table–is pretending that you have no need for emotional connection. In fact, you have no need for emotions at all.

Do we even need to point out that this can seriously complicate relationships?

In this episode, Dan and Allen Berger explain what women need to know about the ways in which “The Cool Rule” affects their man and their relationship with him. As a caring partner, how can women help the men in their lives finally chip away the ice, and live as the man he is, rather than as the man he thinks everyone wants him to be?

As a kid, you probably wanted to be cool. And if you were a boy, being cool meant being tough. Being tough meant being able to fight and win. If you weren’t tough, you immediately felt inadequate. You weren’t going to be able to protect yourself, you weren’t going to be able to protect anyone else, and women were not going to be attracted to you.

But, as with every Man Rule, there’s a positive side. The Fight Rule and The Protector Rule are closely related. Often the fight can inspire men to protect and defend the people, institutions, and values that we hold dear.

In this episode, Allen and Dan talk about their conflicting feelings of fear, shame, and pride in their own personal histories with fighting.

Once a month, Dan and Dr. Allen Berger sit down to talk about a chapter from their forthcoming book, What Men Would Tell You…If We Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. The title of the book is meant to be humorous, but it speaks to the real frustration that many women experience in their (heterosexual) relationships. The book breaks down each of The Man Rules in an effort to help women understand the roots of men’s sometimes baffling responses to intimacy, commitment, and vulnerability.

This week, Dan and Allen explore The Protector Rule, and how it can bring out both the best and the worst in a man. The protector rule is often what drives a man to protect the family and the community he cares deeply about it. But, it also drives some men to justify cruel behavior toward their partners with the assumption that “it’s for her own good.”  Dan and Allen help both men and women recognize how The Protector Rule is at play in their relationship in both negative and positive ways.

American philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson said that true success is “… to appreciate the beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better…”

Clearly, that guy never had two kids and a mortgage.

In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about the Man Rule that often drives many of men’s decisions about their work and personal lives–The Success Rule. Success for men is often defined by having a lot of money, having a prestigious job title, and having the most sex with the hottest women. Sadly, it can lead to men choosing careers they aren’t really interested in and choosing relationships based in status-seeking, rather than the desire for a real, intimate partnership.

Dan and Allen encourage men to take a look at their own definitions of success and to ask themselves if it’s really their own definition or one that they’ve just absorbed through The Water.

There are two ways we tend to think about vulnerability these days. The first is in terms of our technology. When websites like Facebook experience a data breach, we are reminded that our personal information is “vulnerable” to hackers. (That’s bad.)

The second is in terms of emotional courage. The rise in popularity of thinkers like Brene Brown has taught us that vulnerability is a willingness to show up, be seen as we really are, and form connections with others without hidden agendas. (That’s good.) “Connecting” with person X, in order to achieve Y, as so many of us in sales and/or politics often do, is not the point. The point is just to connect— for the sake of your mental and spiritual health, and, more importantly, theirs.

In this episode, Dan and Allen point out some of the key differences between healthy vulnerability and unhealthy vulnerability.  And, for partners who struggle to understand why their men won’t just talk about it, for godsakes, they also point out some ways in which The Man Rules make practicing healthy vulnerability difficult for men, and offer some ideas for how you can help change the culture of vulnerability in your household, and beyond…

What do people mean when they say that “it’s a man’s world?”

They mean, in most cases, that men possess most of the power and control in our society. But, what does that mean? Most men balk at the idea that they are “in control.” That’s because, like most things related to gender expectations, the definition of “control” can be a little murky. Men get the message in a million subtle ways from birth that a “real man” steps up and takes control in any critical situation. He’s expected to be the leader in the boardroom, the living room, and the bedroom. He’s expected to be in control of his emotions at all times, to be the one to discipline himself and his children. He has all the answers. He solves all the important problems. He earns the income, and controls how it is spent. He decides and directs. He takes action. He moves others to action. And he… must be so freaking exhausted. THESE are The Man Rules and the expectations they place upon men.

This month Allen and I start our Man Rules discussion where we are going to discuss each of the 10 Man Rules that we unpack at length in the book. The first one is the Man Rule that is most often the first one named when I have the audience identify the Man Rules themselves: Don’t Cry.

This powerful Rule is about much more than simply not crying. It is one of the mega rules because so many of the other rules are built into it: don’t show feelings, don’t be vulnerable, don’t be weak, and many more.

How does it show up in your relationship? How does it show up in your life? The Water is very deep with this Rule.

When we become fathers, so many of our choices are reactions to how our fathers raised us. We often either fall in line with his expectations, or rebel against them. Either way, we aren’t really making our own choices, based on who we most want to be. In this episode, Dan and Allen offer up some exercises you can do to begin to separate your own needs and desires from your father’s. It’s the first step toward developing more conscious fatherhood, and more conscious masculinity

“Why is sex only about what he wants? Doesn’t what I want matter?”

If you’re a woman who has asked yourself these questions about your man, you are certainly not alone. Why are these issues so common in relationships? And what can be done about it?

This week, Allen Berger is back to help Dan shed some light on the thing that often prevents men from experiencing real intimacy through sex–fear. Specifically, the fear of violating the man rule pertaining to sex, which frankly might also be called “the porn rule” because so much porn reinforces a very narrow perspective on what men should want, how they should behave, and how they should approach sex in general–but, we digress.

Listen for a very candid discussion of the fears and false beliefs that likely limit your man’s expression of his sexuality and find out how to work alongside him in overcoming them.

Everyone is interested in how men and women can get along these days. The model Allen and Dan offer is different. No more “we’re from different planets.” As our regular listeners know, Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week— as he is the third week of every month— to share more of the “whys and hows” behind the book.

In this episode, Dan and Allen talk about why they chose to write a book specifically for women. The Man Rules tend to prohibit men from being truly open and honest about who they are and what they need. It can be difficult for women to find a way in, in order to develop a deeper connection. The book is all about helping women create an opening in the relationship where there wasn’t one before. Through the questions and conversation topics Dan and Allen suggest in the book, women may once again be able to see their relationships as places of endless possibility, almost as they did when they first met their man. To help illustrate those possibilities, Dan and Allen share examples from their work with couples and from their own lives and relationships.

It’s been said that men are women are from totally different planets. All of the struggles they have in relating to one another are a result of the fact that they are just two totally different species, and the only way to bridge the gap is to study the culture, habits, and communication styles of the other and try to adapt the best you can.

There’s only one, small, potential problem with that approach. It may put some of us in a mindset that, when communicating with our partners, we should seek primarily to be understood rather than to understand. Or perhaps we resign ourselves to the idea that we will never truly understand or know our partner. It sets you up to think that your relationship is about developing the best offense or defense based on what you know about your opponent’s playing style. It’s more about protecting and less about connecting.

Dan says that it’s more like men are from France, and women are from Spain. They do both speak different languages, but the words in each language come from the same root. (i.e. Latin.)

That’s why Dan is working on a new book, What Men Would Tell You If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV with his good friend Dr. Allen Berger. Allen is back on the podcast this week to help explain the aim behind the book, and to give a few pointers on beginning a process of healthy struggle with your partner. Dan and Allen share tips on how to stay connected during the day-to-day ups and downs of your relationship, and how to allow your difference to make you stronger as individuals, and as a couple. You’ll also hear a preview of the 10 Man Rules Dan and Allen will cover in upcoming episodes – as well as in their forthcoming book.

Dr. Allen Berger is back to help Dan introduce an exciting new monthly project for The Man Rules podcast! Dan and Allen are working on a book called What Men Would Tell You… If They Weren’t Too Busy Watching TV. It’s geared toward women who find the behavior of their male partners and/or spouses to be…puzzling, to say the least. Actually, it’s for all women in a relationship looking to better connect with the man in her life. The book doesn’t ask women to adjust their own personalities or behaviors, but instead gives them tips for creating space for understanding and cooperation.

All of that is pretty exciting, right? But, here’s the really exciting part. Each month, they’ll be answering relationship questions and sharing comments from YOU, Man Rules podcast listeners!